No one gives you a manual for becoming a dad. You’re handed a tiny human and expected to figure it out. But beneath the surface of diaper changes and long nights, something wild is happening, in your mind, your body, and your identity. I don’t know if you have felt changes when you become a father; physical and mental, but I know I have felt them, and want to bring some of them to your attention, at least to ease your mind when you feel like you are going crazy!
These are the things most dads feel but can’t explain and the science is just starting to catch up.
1. When you become a father, your brain starts rewiring itself, literally.
Fatherhood changes your brain just as much as motherhood does. MRI studies have shown that dads develop increased activity in areas tied to empathy, problem-solving, and emotional regulation. More info here.
That’s why you start noticing things you never did before. Your baby’s breathing patterns, subtle shifts in mood, or the sound of a cough through two closed doors.
It’s not just instinct. It’s biology shifting your priorities, without asking for permission. I definitely feel more empathy, and the problem solving makes sense because we are always trying to figure things out for our family.
2. When you become a father, you feel love and fear at the exact same time and it’s exhausting!
You’ll be holding your child during a calm, quiet moment… and suddenly imagine something terrible happening.
It’s called intrusive thoughts, and they’re more common than you think, especially in new dads.
Your brain is trying to process your newfound responsibility and protect your child at all costs. But sometimes, it overreacts.
Knowing this doesn’t make it easier, but it reminds you: you’re not crazy. You’re human, and your body is trying to keep your child safe.
3. Testosterone drops and that’s actually a good thing.
Right after birth, many dads experience a measurable dip in testosterone.
Why? To help you be less aggressive and more nurturing. Lower testosterone makes you more attuned to your child’s needs; more likely to cuddle, to soothe, to stay present instead of chase the next achievement.
It’s nature’s way of telling you: This isn’t about domination. It’s about connection. I remember this with my son Henry specifically. I just wanted him on top of me sleeping all the time. I’m usually used to being super active and have a lot of energy. I just felt…connected to him.
4. You feel disconnected and guilty for feeling that way.
Some dads don’t bond right away. They go through the motions, but deep down feel like a background character in someone else’s movie.
And then comes the shame. Why don’t I feel what I’m supposed to feel?
Here’s the truth: bonding can be delayed. It often happens through caregiving, not just biology.
The more diapers you change, lullabies you sing, or walks you take with the stroller, the more connected you’ll feel. Don’t rush it just show up. This also happened with Henry, but less with Bird. It probably makes sense because with your first child these are all new experiences and when the second comes around, you are already hooked!
5. When you become a father, you start grieving, while everything is going right.
Your child is laughing in your arms. Everything is fine. And yet there’s a pang of sadness.
It’s called anticipatory grief. A strange ache that comes from knowing every stage passes quickly, and nothing stays small forever.
This isn’t depression. It’s love showing up as vulnerability. It’s a reminder that you care so deeply, you’re already missing who they are now.
Most dads don’t talk about it. But they feel it. This is still a daily thing for me personally. I’ll feel pride and sadness all at once. Its a rollercoaster, but one I love being on.
6. Your sense of purpose shifts overnight.
One moment, your goals are all about you. The next, they feel…hollow.
Suddenly, your job, your status, your hobbies, they’re filtered through the lens of, What kind of example does this set?
This is known as generativity, a psychological stage where adults start focusing more on legacy and contribution.
It can feel disorienting, but also deeply grounding. You’re not losing your edge, you’re sharpening your aim. Fatherhood has definitely given me more purpose than ever before. I want my two kids to do better in life than I ever did. It’s a lot to teach them!
7. Your sleep gets worse, even when the baby sleeps.
This isn’t just about midnight feedings. New dads often experience hypervigilance, where your nervous system stays alert just in case your child needs something.
That’s why you might wake up for no reason, or sleep lightly even when the house is quiet.
It’s your biology doing overtime. And while it can be exhausting, it’s also evidence of how deeply your body is tuned to protect. Yeah not much else to say here. We are tired dads for a reason, but at least it’s backed by science and not just crying infants at 2 am!
8. You struggle to balance “provider” and “present.”
You want to give them everything. Its a stable home, a better life, a future full of choices.
But that drive to provide often comes at the cost of presence.
You miss bedtime. You check emails during dinner. You feel torn.
It’s not your fault. Our culture praises hustle more than hugs. But your kids don’t want a hero. They want you. This one has been tough for me too. I am typically doing Stoic Dad stuff after the kids are in bed. So I’ll definitely be more tired, but try not to do as much when I am with them.
9. You start confronting your own childhood, ready or not.
Becoming a father opens a floodgate of memories you didn’t ask for.
Moments you swore you’d forget… now live in your body. Patterns you promised to break… sneak back in when you’re tired.
This isn’t weakness, it’s awareness. And it’s a chance to rewrite the story, starting with how you show up.
You don’t have to be perfect. Just present and willing to grow. I’m sure every dad reading this has gone through this at some point. I go through it daily, but it’s a nice way to get a do over, and give my children the life I didn’t have.
10. You become more emotional and more afraid to show it.
Fatherhood softens you. But the world doesn’t always give you permission to be soft.
You choke back tears during bedtime stories. You hold in stress instead of asking for help. You laugh it off because that’s what we were taught.
But every time you choose honesty over image, you show your kids what strength actually looks like.
That vulnerability isn’t weakness. It’s courage.
11. You find yourself in a constant tug-of-war with your own expectations.
There’s the dad you want to be. The one who never yells, always has time, and knows exactly what to say.
And then there’s the dad you actually are which is tired, unsure, sometimes reactive.
This gap hurts. But it’s also where growth lives.
The fact that you care about who you’re becoming? That’s the difference-maker. That’s fatherhood done right. It’s not easy, but nothing rewarding ever is.
12. You’re becoming someone new and no one tells you how lonely that can feel.
Your identity shifts. Your routines change. Your friendships evolve.
And while people celebrate the baby, few check in on the man becoming a father.
If you’ve felt alone you’re not. You’re just transforming. And like any transformation, it takes time, support, and patience. I used to have a lot more friends to reach out to, and I still do, but they are also in the throws of fatherhood.
When You Become a Father, It Doesn’t Just Add to Your Life, It Transforms It
The truth is, becoming a father isn’t just about learning how to raise a child.
It’s about rebuilding yourself — piece by piece — often without a roadmap.
The emotional weight, the mental shifts, the quiet realizations at 2 a.m.… they change you in ways no one warns you about. But these changes aren’t signs of weakness. They’re evidence that you care. That you’re becoming the man your child needs you to be.
You don’t have to navigate it alone. You just have to be willing to show up, and keep growing.
Want Help Navigating That Transformation?
I created The Stoic Dad Playbook for this exact reason; because fatherhood shouldn’t feel like something you survive.
It should be something you grow through, with structure, intention, and support.
Start with the free sneak peek, it includes the first chapter, a 3-day planner, and a morning audio to help reset your mindset.
